Steve is Marten's best male friend, an old college buddy.[1] He formerly dated Sara, Ellen, Tortura,[2] and Meena but now has a relationship with Cosette. During a long period in which Steve was absent from the comic it was eventually shown that he became a secret agent[3] and grew a beard. He has since returned to normal life.[4]

His age was given as 24[5] earlier in the strip, when he was dating Ellen.

Despite having been a character in the comic since the beginning (the third strip, to be exact), Steve is the only main character whose last name has never been revealed.


Steve works at a "nondescript office job"[6] when he's not being a secret agent. He has stated that he very much prefers this job to being a field agent.[4]

Sex and drugs and rock&rollEdit


Steve is exclusively heterosexual but is known to have once used full tongue on Marten on a dare while drunk.[7] There are some hints that there's more to him.[8]


Steve drinks alcohol, sometimes to the point of binging,[9][10] but has never been seen using anything else.

Music preferencesEdit

Steve is known to play Animal Collective and his former girlfriend Ellen described Steve's favored music as "grown men mewling like children while beating tom-toms and playing $10 Casio keyboards".[11] He owns a T-shirt referencing the American rock band "The Hold Steady".[12]

Memorable quotesEdit

  • "What else have I failed to notice today? Are my pants on backwards? Am I on FIRE? DID I KILL A GUY EARLIER?"[13]
  • "There's Tequila Monsters afoot in here."[9]
  • "Do we Fight, use an Item, or Run?"[14]
  • "I probably shouldn't have shouted 'I hope you contract dolphin-syphilis' at the top of my lungs."[15]
  • "I might as well go to the morgue to pick up chicks from now on."[16]


Steve's father has been married three or four times.[17] Steve's fear of commitment[18] might stem from family issues.