Steve is Marten's best male friend, an old college buddy.[1] He formerly dated Sara, Ellen, Tortura,[2] and Meena but now has a relationship with Cosette. During a long period in which Steve was absent from the comic it was eventually shown that he became a secret agent[3] and grew a beard. He has since returned to normal life.[4]

His age was given as 24[5] earlier in the strip, when he was dating Ellen.

Despite having been a character in the comic since the beginning, Steve is the only main character whose last name has never been revealed.

Biography Edit

Steve works at a "nondescript office job"[6] when he's not being a secret agent. He has stated that he very much prefers this job to being a field agent.[4]

Steve was depressed after his break up with Ellen[6]. Marten introduced him to Penelope Gaines, a new Coffee of Doom employee at the time.[7] Steve was oblivious to her flirting and left the coffee-shop; on his way to a grocery store he met Meena.[8] After Meena forced him to give her his number without even telling him her name, Steve talked to Marten, who reminded him that he shot down Penny.[9]

Marten gave Steve's number to Cosette.[10] After Cosette fails to call him,[11] Tai Hubbert helps him to find out her full name. They finally meet when Steve leaves the dormitory.[12] Their first date is interrupted by a fire alarm.[13]

Tortura had visited Steve and Cosette.[14]

Steve discussed Marten's wish to learn musical instrument repair.[15]

Personality Edit

Sex and drugs and rock&rollEdit


Steve is exclusively heterosexual but is known to have once used full tongue on Marten on a dare while drunk.[16] There are some hints that there's more to him.[17]


Steve drinks alcohol, sometimes to the point of binging,[18][19] but has never been seen using anything else. He is particularly susceptible to drunk online shopping. Breaking up with Ellen lead him to buy five hundred dollars worth of fantasy knives.[20][21] After a calm buddy night at the bar with Marten turned into a big party, Steve drunk bought a boat.[22]

Music preferencesEdit

Steve is known to play Animal Collective and his former girlfriend Ellen described Steve's favored music as "grown men mewling like children while beating tom-toms and playing $10 Casio keyboards".[23] He owns a T-shirt referencing the American rock band "The Hold Steady".[24]

Trivia Edit

Steve3 Steve1601
Steve in 3 and 1601.

Memorable quotesEdit

  • "What else have I failed to notice today? Are my pants on backwards? Am I on FIRE? DID I KILL A GUY EARLIER?"[25]
  • "There's Tequila Monsters afoot in here."[18]
  • "Do we Fight, use an Item, or Run?"[26]
  • "I probably shouldn't have shouted 'I hope you contract dolphin-syphilis' at the top of my lungs."[27]
  • "I might as well go to the morgue to pick up chicks from now on."[28]


Steve's father has been married three or four times.[29] Steve's fear of commitment[30] might stem from family issues.



  1. cast.php
  2. Number 1406: Do Svidaniya
  3. Number 1350: Her Name Is Tortura And She Is Happy To Meet You
  4. 4.0 4.1 Number 1408: Dream The Impossible Dream
  5. Number 224: ID Please
  6. 6.0 6.1 Number 816: Friggin' Architecture
  7. Number 818: Role Reversal
  8. Number 819: Homage To Kill Bill
  9. Number 820: She's Not Really HelpingNumber 828: Ova And Ova
  10. Number 1430: Bears Go "Rawr"
  11. Number 1539: He Has A Very Strict Policy
  12. Number 1543: Ask And Ye Shall Receive
  13. Number 1552: Riker Looks On In Approval
  14. Number 3428: Friendly Exes
  15. 4151: We Were All Thinking It4154: Nichijou
  16. Number 1639: Marten Is Resigned To His Fate
  17. Number 2321: Real Talk
  18. 18.0 18.1 Number 472: It's Not Going Well
  19. Number 1273: Another Meanwhile
  20. Number 474: A Bad Influence
  21. Number 714: Aw Yeah That's Hot
  22. 4170: Lonely Island
  23. Number 578: He Swears It Was An Accident
  24. Number 1386: Also Tiger Woods Is Really Good At It
  25. Number 826: Ephiphanies Can Be Painful
  26. Number 720: Random Encounter!
  27. Number 713: In The Heat Of The Moment
  28. Number 16: You're Ruining the Moment
  29. Number 395: Not Even Orlando Bloom
  30. Number 473: Living A Modest Mouse Song
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